I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
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