She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
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