Will you blow on my dice?
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
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