I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Randomize
