people are starting to question the shark bite story
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
