he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
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