it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
