Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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