I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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