I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
