it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
