just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
