We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I am full of burrito and curiosity
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
