My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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