Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Randomize
