I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Randomize