Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
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