all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
