two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
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