she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
