do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
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