why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
