my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Randomize
