Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
