My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Randomize
