The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
honey bunches of taint.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Randomize
