I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
