its not stalking. its research.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
