So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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