Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
