All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Randomize
