He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Randomize
