Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Randomize
