So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
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