if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
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