i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
