apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
