you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
