Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
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fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
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In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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