I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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