Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
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so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
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I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
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