Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Randomize
