If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
