There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
