So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Randomize
