What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
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