You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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