It's Friday. Sex?
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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