I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
