i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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