You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
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