; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Randomize
