You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Randomize
