Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
