You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Randomize
