the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Those nachos came to me in a dream
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