i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
