I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
